The lull between the end of the regular season and the bowl game is tough and the never ending creation of crappy bowls hasn’t helped.  So, between suffering through the Marshall vs. Ohio game and not having Al Groh to kick around, this isn’t exactly the most wonderful time of the year anymore.  On the bowl issue, first, if you can’t win 7 games, you shouldn’t go to a bowl, period.  Second, if you can’t come up with a decent name for your bowl, you shouldn’t get to have one.  Yes, we are talking to you St. Petersburg Bowl by Beef O’Brady’s.  Third, if it is cold where you are, don’t host a bowl game.  Bowl games are vacations.  Stop torturing fans.  On the Al Groh issue, how the hell could we let this happen?  How could we let Al Groh get away?  Nothing will be more devastating to Va. Tech recruiting than the loss of Al Groh.  How many times do you think Beamer got to say to a recruit, “Look, you are almost a grown man.  You can make your own decisions.  I’m not going to pressure you.  If you want to go to UVA and lose nine or ten games a season, who am I to stop you?  Call me if you change your mind.”

So to occupy ourselves, we daily sent this g-chat to all our UVA friends:

me: <UVA grad last name>!!!!

are you excited for your bowl game?

oh, wait, nevermind

him: haha, very funny

When we close out our 2009 season with our 17^th consecutive bowl game (the third longest streak in the nation after Florida State and Florida) vs. Tennessee, only one thing is certain: the dreaded Georgia Dome will be filled with uncountable shades of the most hideous color on Earth….orange.  No one is really sure what anyone’s actual color is in this game.  We are allegedly burnt orange, yet no color worn by a Hokie player or fan resembles actual burnt orange.  Tennessee is construction cone orange, which conveniently allows their fans to cheer for their team in the morning and hunt in the afternoon.  The one thing all TV viewers will agree on is that this game should not be broadcast in HD.  Call it burn orange, call it dark orange, call it tangerine, call it brown.  It doesn’t matter; it is ugly.  Fortunately, Tennessee’s obsession with orange so dwarfs our recent love affair that we will be wearing white jerseys and maroon pants and helmets on Thursday night and even our orange-addicted fans realize if ever there was a time to wear maroon, this game is it.  If we lose, it will be yet ANOTHER Curse of the Orange and probably lead to one of our students making a video like this.

Things That Are Orange

temporary plastic fencing

pumpkins

Yoyo

Goldfish

carrots

American cheese

Cheetos

oranges

the Big Orange Fluffy Thing

prison jumpsuits

sweet potatoes and yams

orange juice

Orange Julius

O.J. Simpson

The General Lee

Home Depot

U-Haul

Fanta

Santa (after eating Cheetos)

cumquats

Tang

Garfield

This bowl game will define our season.  If we win, it will be our sixth straight 10-win season (the second longest streak in the nation after Texas); it will be our first win over Tennessee since 1911 providing a much needed victory over a quality SEC opponent that has won six national championships; it will be the first win of the 2010 campaign; and most importantly it will mark number one off our Redemption List.

Redemption List

1. Tennessee

2. Nebraska

3. North Carolina (in progress)

4. Donovan McNabb

5. Florida State

6. Georgia

7. Boston College

The 1994 Gator Bowl was actually that last game played before the invention of this column.  Some could argue the four hour bus ride to Florida Field (where the Gator Bowl was being played due to renovations to create an NFL stadium for the expansion Jaguars) that was only supposed to take 75 minutes and about which The Provost still refuses to speak, and the ensuing 45-23 humiliation to a Tennessee team quarterbacked by little known freshman Peyton Manning, led to its creation.  UT scored first after the D-word threw an interception on the second play of the game.  UT also scored second.  And they scored third, going up 21-0 in the first quarter and quickly putting the game out of reach.  We were angry.  Very angry.  And no volume of bourbon could settle our rage.  We remain quite bitter and slightly deranged.  But a win Thursday will put this issue to bed.  And who doesn’t love bed?  The 1994 game and the 1996 Orange Bowl against Nebraska exposed our program’s greatest weakness at the time (we were physically inferior to the perennial top ten programs) and led to the creation of the strength and condition program we are proud of today.

It has been a roller coaster season.  This game will determine its success or failure.  A loss damages our already shaky post-season reputation (Did you know Frank Beamer has never won two consecutive bowl games?).  A win proves that we can win in the Georgia Dome, which is quickly becoming the new Carrier Dome.  Playing indoors is stupid.  That’s why we have basketball.  If you can explain why DC has a bowl game outdoors in 27 degree weather, but Georgia and Louisiana need indoor stadiums, more power to you.  It is moronic.  Football is an outdoor sport.  Indoor football is called the Arena League.  Domes suck.  End of discussion.

This represents our fourth visit to the Bowl Game Formerly Known As The Peach Bowl.  We lost to Miami in 1981, beat N.C. State in 1986, and blew a ridiculous lead over Georgia (due to the only recorded Double Glennon Special in the history of mankind) in 2006.  The bowl, of course, is no longer called the Peach Bowl because the bowl committee sold their soul and their name to Chick-fil-A, Inc., home of the tasty waffle fry and the unnecessary pickle. 

Ten Things You May Or May Not Know (Or Care To Know) About Chickens

This website will teach you how to raise chickens in your backyard.

Other Interesting Facts About Tennessee

Tennessee attained statehood on June 1, 1796.

The Iris is the state flower of Tennessee.

There are more horses per capita in Shelby County, TN than any other county in the nation.

Davy Crockett was not born on a mountain top in Tennessee, despite what the song may say.

Tennessee is the turtle capital of the world.

The Mockingbird is the state bird of Tennessee.  Think about it.

Knoxville, TN was home to the 1982 World’s Fair which left behind the Sunsphere, a 266 ft. tall structure noted more for its uselessness than its unique design. 

The Sunsphere is really just filled with wigs.

Tailgate Fever once tried to purchase the Sunsphere (true story).

In 1992, Tennessee’s Congressional delegation tried to rename Grand Teton as Dolly Parton National Park.

Al Gore invented Tennessee.

Tennessee was the last state to secede from the Union and the first to be readmitted.  Bandwagon fans.

Tennesseans are sometimes referred to as Butternuts.  (????)

The name Tennessee originated from the old Yuchi Indian word “Tana-see” which means “hideously ugly shade of orange.”

Tennessee is 7-5 but they may be the best 7-5 team in the country.  It is their losses more than their wins that have defined their season.  After a 2-2 start with losses to Florida and UCLA, they fell to Auburn 26-22.  This devastating loss dropped them to 2-3, but it was from that loss that they found their way bouncing back with a 45-19 domination of Georgia.  Their only other loss was perhaps their best game of the season, a 12-10 defeat to Alabama that featured two Terrance Cody blocked field goals including Tennessee’s game winning attempt on the final play. 

Their mascot is the Volunteer.  Legend has it this is a reference to the bravery of the Tennessee volunteers at the Battle of New Orleans in the War of 1812, but it is also a metaphor for the amateurish nature of their supporters.  Sure, they wear ugly ass colors and travel well, but they speak in tongues and are obsessed with singing Rocky Top.  In fact, during our trip to the Music City Bowl, no less than 11 radio stations in Tennessee were solely dedicated to the playing of this song around the clock.

The Vol’s head coach is Lane Kiffin.  He is an outstanding coach.  He was USC’s offensive coordinator and his father (now UT’s defensive coordinator) is a defensive genius.   But Kiffin is a jackass.  Few coaches handle themselves with less class.  He is also caught up in numerous recruiting scandals having already committed 12 minor infractions in his first season.  Still, he is putting a great product on the field.

Defense is their strength.  They are 16^th in the nation in defense and vary their schemes making them difficult to attack.  Safety Eric Berry the best defensive back in the nation, and they have allowed only 5 passing TDs all year (tops in the country).  It will be all about our playmakers (Tyrod, Ryan Williams, and the receiving corps).  If they continue playing as they were at the end of the season, this will be an exciting matchup.  It will come down to attitude and preparation for us.  If we show up to play, we like our chances.  But the intangibles are what will matter in this matchup, and that means coaching, and that means perennial whipping boy Bryan Stinespring.  As difficult as it may be for Hokie fans to admit, Stiney has had a better year (we aren’t saying he is good, we are saying he is less bad).  This game will be a big test for him.

Offensively, Tennessee is a run-first team.  Their o-line includes four seniors, is very physical, and uses a zone blocking scheme not encountered often in the college game.  The key to the offense is RB Montario Hardesty.  Sr. QB Jonathan Crompton came into his own the second half of the season, and UT has given up only 12 sacks all year.  We, however, have excelled against the pass this year (sixth in the nation).   To beat the Vols, we have to stop the run (and not have the complete defensive breakdowns that have plagued us at times this year).  We improved at the end of the season and finished with the #14 defense, but that was also a product of an easy final third of the schedule.  Keep an eye on Jason Worilds (who will be matched up against a redshirt freshman) and Cody Grimm….if we get statement games out of them, big plays are coming on defense.  Stephan Virgil is academically ineligible for the game and will be replaced by Cris Hill and Jayron Hosley, both of whom have little experience.

On special teams, we are expecting big things from Frank Beamer.  This is a Tennessee weakness (they had 4 FGs and 1 punt blocked); plus, their special teams coach recently left the team.  Our punting, placekicking and return games have been outstanding this year, but a blocked kick in a bowl game is still what Beamerball was founded upon.  Make it happen, Frankie B.

So this is it.  A few hours from now we board our plane, waiting im about 11 hours of security lines, flying through winter weather, all so we can ring in the new year right….with a Chicken Bowl Championship.  We love bowl games!  One last tailgate.  One dozen last tasty bourbon and cokes.  Tailgate fever is pulsing through our veins.  This is going to be a great game.  ESPN is televising it.  Kickoff is at 7:37pm.  But you should be in Atlanta watching this one live anyway. 

Va. Tech 19, Tennessee 17.

I believe.

Copyright 2009 by the XXI Olympic Winter Games.  That’s right boys and girls, just because football is over doesn’t mean the fun has to end.  The Winter Olympics are February 12-28 in Vancouver, Canada.  With Glowing Hearts.  And that means the only sport on Earth greater than college football returns…..curling.  Sweep!  Sweep!  Sweep!  Don’t sweep!  Don’t sweep!  Don’t sweep!  All rights reserved.